adik talaga

I'm okay now. I've talked to him. Just about ate up all my cellphone credits, but that is but a small price to pay for my sanity and peace of mind. Hehe. I am so friggin' in love with that guy.

hate this

I am getting damn pissed off. It's been more than a week since he last went online and chatted with me. I'm getting antsy due to our lack of communication lately. And he isn't online again today. Fuck. What the hell's the problem this time? Fuck.

MAGPARAMDAM KA NGA CARLO FRANCISCO MAYO!

something's missing...

I am still depressed. Maybe because I'm missing Franco so much. It feels like like ages since we last had any contact and it's driving me nuts just missing him so. Darn it, why does he have to have such an effect on me?

I should be happy. In fact there are a lot of reasons for me to be happy. I'm relatively healthy [except for a mild hoarseness of my voice, not that big a deal] and so are my family and friends. I passed the Board exam. I just ate pizza with my two best friends earlier--that alone should leave me high and happy for at least half a day, but did not work this time.

But I still feel rotten. Fuck.

the ordeal is over, thank God.

And so I passed the Board exam. I am now an engineer, albeit not yet a licensed one as I have yet to file for my license at PRC. But never mind. I still passed the blasted exams and that's it.

But after the euphoria of the last few days has passed, I am once again left with my angst and depression. I don't even know why. I am happy that I passed, yes, but still I feel empty inside. Fuck. I guess you really can't have your cake and eat it too, cliched as that sounds.

baha!

Oh. My. God.

Since when did Batangas City become a river city? I was definitely shocked when on the way here, I saw all running water on the streets. Especially along the way from Lawas to Hilltop. It was not this bad the last time I was here and it was raining. What the hell happened?

it is finished.

So. The much-dreaded Board exam has come and gone. After five or so months of studying [or cramming, as is in my case], agonizing, and generally going crazy with worry, we are now left with nothing but even more worry, agony , apprehension, boredom and a thousand other not-so-good things while we wait for the results to come in, probably sometime this week. Fuck. There really is no rest for the wicked, ayt?

As for me, I definitely do not want to spend my time sulking--or heaven forbid, crying--while waiting for the news that could only be either I pass or I fail. Darn, I'll go stark raving mad [not that I'm perfectly sane in the first place, but you get my drift] if I think any more about the blasted exam. Suffice it to say that at the very least, every one of us had a hard time, especially with the GeAs exam. That was definitely a killer exam, if there ever was one. Tsk.

Call it a state of denial, but I really just wanna pretend that nothing really happened, that I didn't take the exam, and that I just stayed here in Manila for a vacation of sorts with my classmates. I'm shutting everything that has to do with the Board out. I'm returning to my safety bubble of dreams and sweet delusions. Fuck reality.

home

Talk about [almost] instant gratification. I was just whining about not finding a hooded dress just before going to sleep earlier and now I have one. Haha. Saw it at the department store earlier and just fell in love with the damn thing. Fortunately for me, Mama liked it too [she's a big advocate of my recent turning-into-a-real-girl movement] and bought it. And some chocolates for me and Aiah too. Yum.Ü

Anywho, I'm so glad I came home before the exam. Just seeing my family eased up some of my fears. It's funny, I never appreciated my family this much before. Physical distance sometimes really does wonders for family bonds. Only now do I realize how much I really love my family.

hoodie addict

Just saw the most adorable dress at eBay. It's brown, low-cut in front [an inner blouse is a must] with pockets in front and a hood. Plus it's from TRF and the seller seems reputable enough. I truly would have bought it. I even bid for it not once, not even twice, but three friggin' times. Unfortunately for me, someone else wanted it even more badly than I do and must have set a thousand bucks maximum bid. Darn, I can't compete with that. I don't want to compete with that. For that amount, I could actually find a brand-new dress at the mall. So there you go. But I still want that dress, darn it.

Anywho, I'm going home to Batangas tomorrow. Today rather, seeing as it's already way past midnight and you get my drift, ayt? Whatever. The thing is I'm going after the Thanksgiving Mass and I'm bringing half my stuff home with me. In fact, my suitcase is packed. Actually, I'm just bringing home my dirty clothes. Haha. Though I still have plenty left to wear during my remaining days here at the house, I must say. Besides, I'll probably be bringing some of my clothes back here anyway, my yellow hoodie in particular.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I'm so digging hoodies lately. I don't even know why. Whatever. I'm pretty certain of what I'll be looking for the next time I set foot on a mall. Why are hooded dresses so damn hard to find anyway? Or am I simply looking at the wrong places? Help, anyone? I'm seriously considering rounding up all the ukay-ukays along España to look for a hooded or plaid dress, or even both.

I'm depressed.

That's all.

breakdown

My, how time flies.. In just six short days, we'll be taking the much dreaded Board exam. And then after that... Who knows? I hope with all my heart and soul that we all pass.

They say it's not the end of the world if we fail, but man, it sure feels like it. I don't even want to think about it, darn it. Just thinking about the exam itself is enough to give me the jitters without thinking of what would happen afterwards.

This--not the graduation--is the culmination of all our efforts for the last five years. Call it a baptism of fire for our careers and rest of our lives. Practically everything's at stake now. All the sleepless nights, the tears of frustration and the money spent--they all come down to those two all-important days next week. There's no turning back now.

Truth is just the tought of failure makes me want to break down and cry like a little kid and hide forevermore and never come out again ever. Of course, that's just an exaggerated and unrealistic expectation of my probable reaction to failure. But still, I know full well that failure's still an all-too-real possibility which I must consider, much as I hate to.

I'm scared shitless. I really am. I'm as scared as I ever was in my entire life. I feel like I'm gonna die, God help me. The pressure to pass is so great, especially since my three ME friends passed their Board. Faith, prayers and encouraging words from my family and friends are the only things keeping me from running screaming into the night and totally, completely losing what little's left of my sanity.

I want to pass the November 2007 ECE Licensure Exam. I want to already be a licensed engineer when I turn 22 in two weeks. I want to give something back to my parents who worked so hard for me to get this far. I don't want to disappoint them, and everyone else who believes in me, anymore. I'm praying as hard as I've ever prayed in my whole life that I, together with all my friends and classmates, all pass the Board exam. God help us all.

Amen.