being positive is exhausting for a pessimist

Right now I feel depressed, empty and lost. My thoughts are so muddled to the point that they start contradicting each other. Pride vs. practicality. Optimism vs. fear. Mind vs. the body itself.

Life is threatening to overwhelm me yet again. I feel like I'm swimming in the middle of a stormy ocean. There's nowhere to go, nowhere to turn back, only the basic instinct to survive and keep my head above the water even as waves come crashing down on me.

Once again I just want to run silently into the night and come back only when I'm already forgotten. As if that is even remotely possible.

God help me.