standing still

I just realized something earlier while sitting on the bus on the way here. I haven't changed at all. Or if I have, the changes are minimal, not enough to merit attention.

When I came to work here, I was a nihilistic girl--totally uncaring of how I look, how others would see me, you get the drift. I thought a change of environment would be enough to change that. This is after all, Makati. Way different from Batangas in every sense of the word. The pace of life faster, the people dressed more stylishly, the views more liberal. I honestly thought it would get to me enough to effect even a change of way of dressing.

But more than a month later, I find myself going to the office still dressed in my typical college getup--shirt, jeans and Chucks, uncombed hair still dripping wet from the shower. You wouldn't mistake me for a professional, much more a licensed engineer. Truth be told, I look more like an on-the-job trainee than a regular working stiff.

I can't really explain what I feel every morning when I arrive at the building and see the stereotypical yuppie types dressed in crisp corporate attire. Part defiance, part envy. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a sucker for anonymity and intentionally want to be underestimated though even I can't figure out why. I guess I'm just crazy that way.

On a positive note, I'm proud to say that I still have a strong Batangueña accent. I know a lot of promdis--no offense meant, I am one too after all--suddenly speak sawit after only a month or so here. I don't know if they're that impressionable or they think it's cool or what, but for me that's just sad. It's like forgetting a part of your heritage.

I'll be the first to admit that I am no patriot, but the Batangueña blood runs deep in me. I love my province, its culture, food and people. It's as ingrained in me as the genes I was born with. Though I escaped the first chance I got, I know it's just a temporary thing. I always look back. And I know I'll be back.