dreams, lessons and an old diary entry

After that powerful speech by one of Pharmanex's top businessmen, I suddenly realized how little people I know who still have dreams. Rather, who will go out of their way to fulfill their dreams.

The truth is, though I have been with the company for less than a month, I can honestly say that I have already learned a lot. And one of the most important things I learned is that most people don't get what they want because they don't even know what they want in the first place. It may sound stupid but I've found in a lot of occasions that this is true. Asked on the spot what they would do if they had a million dollars and all the free time they could want, most do not even know what to do with either. Which is rather pathetic, contemptuous as that makes me sound.

I know what I want. I have dreams. And I have every intention of making them come true. It may take a lot of time and effort, but I have both in abundance. I'm young and in the prime of my life. I'll be damned if I let anything or anyone take my dreams away.

On a completely unrelated note, I just found the following post in my old blog. I was in the depths of depression and bitterness then. If I'm not mistaken, that was an actual entry from my old diary. Here it is:

my friend, you will never know how much damage you caused me. you made me fall, you made me love you, but in the end you let me fall anyway to the cold hard ground and caught somebody else in your arms. and left me for dead on the ground. you walked away without a backward glance, to see if i incurred any bruises, welts or broken bones. or maybe you know. you do know but are too much of a coward to face the wreck you've caused.

up to now i'm still reeling from the blows that came my way since you left. blows that came from no one else but me. from my stupidity, my gullibility, my vulnerability. i was once hurt and though i could never love again, but then you came and proved me wrong. you showered me with affection, with love, with life. you told me i could bounce back to life and helped me do exactly that. i was grateful and happy that you did. you raised me back from the dead, a feat impossible to achieve yet you managed anyway. you became my hero, my protector, my salvation.

so how was i supposed to know that you'd later be the cause of my undoing? i wish now that i've never known you, that you've never entered nor touched my life, that you've never existed in my world. but i know that's impossible. i knew you, you changed my life and now you've ruined me.

i'd like to think that someday i'd be back to normal, or esume any semblance of normalcy i once possessed, but somehow i think i'll never--i can never--go back to that. you've damaged way too big a part of me for me to pick up the broken pieces of myself and be whole again.

is there no more hope for me? i loved too much, trusted too much, left nothing for myself. and the worst thing is that all of that was for nothing. the person whom i loved so much, given so much of myself, is gone. you're gone my friend. gone and left me here all alone to deal with the mess that you left behind. the mess that's none other than me.

i hate you. i want to hate you. i want to love you. i still love you. you inspire so much emotion in me that one mention of your name sends my whole being to another dimension where the only things that exist are me, the hurt and your absence. it hurts so much. i want you to know, i want you to feel even just an inkling of what i'm going through because of you. but i know you can't. you can't because you won't. you now live in another world, a world where i don't even exist. you won't have anything more to do with me because of what i am. because i threaten your security, threaten the perfect little world you created after you left me. because you know me too much. you know how much havoc i can wreak if you let me enter your world once again. so you shut me out and leave me in the cold.

where are the promises you once made? where have the friendship and love gone? have you buried everything we shared in the back of your mind--or forgotten them all altogether? do you still know me? am i that easy to forget?

so many questions, no way to find the answers. fuck you my friend. fuck you for all that you are and for all that you've done. you will never be forgiven, much less forgotten. for as long as i live i will never forget what you did to me. you will never be in peace until i say so. in the back of your mind, in the silence of the night, in every time you stop to think and assses your life, you will think of me and remember the person you saved from misery only to drown in sorrow later on. and you will never forget. you can never forget.